Barack Hussein Obama: An Old Yorker Commentary

Cincinnati radio talk show host Bill Cunningham ignited a firestorm of controversy at a John McCain rally earlier this week when he repeatedly referred to Senator Barack Obama by using his middle name “Hussein.” Although Cunningham maintained that his use of Obama’s full name was entirely normal and innocent (and cited “John Fitzgerald Kennedy” and “Franklin Delano Roosevelt” as proof), McCain called Cunningham’s comments “inappropriate” and pledged that Obama’s middle name would not be used as an issue by anyone from his campaign.

Underlying the incident is the question of what exactly the significance of Obama’s middle name is and what exactly Cunningham might have been implying by using it. To assume the worst (always a safe bet when talk radio personalities are concerned), Cunningham may have been suggesting that Barack Obama is a sort of “Manchurian Candidate” for the Islamoterrorists, implanted with radical fundamentalist ideas as a child and poised to enshrine them as American law if he were elected president. A recent widely-circulated photograph of Obama wearing traditional Islamic garb may have given credence to this notion.

To give this suggestion consideration it is probably not due, let us first consider the name “Hussein.” It is, of course, an extremely common name in the Muslim world, especially among Shia Muslims who revere Hussein ibn Ali, the grandson of the prophet Muhammed and the first Shia Imam. Barack Obama is, at least publicly, a Christian, a member of the United Church of Christ and not beholden to any Muslim sect, Shia or Sunni.

Then there is the association, perhaps more familiar to American voters, with Saddam Hussein, the brutal Iraqi dictator, deposed and eventually executed following the American invasion of Iraq. Saddam Hussein, it must be pointed out, was a secular ruler until it became politically expedient late in the game for him to embrace fundamentalist Islam. If, in fact, Obama was in league with Saddam Hussein it would not be to advance a religious agenda but rather for some other purpose, like to help Saddam obtain advanced weapons that would cement his regional hegemony. In this case, Obama might have acted as a moderating force on the hot-headed Saddam and, perhaps, eventually brought him into the Western fold. Any childhood implantation of post-hypnotic suggestions that would render Obama susceptible to Saddam Hussein’s will might, ironically, have ended with Obama being hailed as a statesman and a more stable Middle East. Who cares where Obama’s secret loyalties lie if the result is a safer, better world?

The reality of Saddam’s rule is that his power base was actually quite narrow consisting almost entirely of kinsmen from his home village of Tikrit. Everything we know about Barack Obama’s well-documented childhood and youth suggests that he has never even been near Tikrit and that he is not related, at least closely, to Saddam Hussein. If Saddam were going to plant a puppet amidst the American power elite, it is much more likely he would have chosen one of his close relatives, such as his cousin “Chemical Ali.” To refute the idea that Barack Hussein Obama and Saddam Hussein are closely related, one need only compare Obama’s smooth beardless skin with Saddam’s luxurient Village People push-broom moustache. The Illinois senator looks as though he could get by shaving once a week!

In sum, it seems to us very unlikely that Saddam would have chosen Barack Obama as a willing agent or unwitting dupe for some grand secret plan. And even if he did, so what? Obama has always prided himself on his ability as a bridge builder. What better way for an American president to build a bridge to the Iraqi people than by being able to say, truthfully, “I am one of you.”

Clearly, Bill Cunningham did not think through the consequences of attempting to connect the two men though a shared name. In his mind it was a slur (a gratuitous one, we think), pure and simple.

As for a possible connection — either through consanguinity, hidden political allegiance, or shared religious beliefs — between Barack Hussein Obama and the late King Hussein of Jordan, that possibility comes without the taint of Saddam’s brutality since King Hussein was always regarded as a force for reason and moderation in that troubled part of the world. If he or his mind-control specialists implanted any ideas or secret mission or hidden agenda in the brain of the young Barack Obama, we can be confident that like the King himself, these ideas, mission, or agenda will be sensible and tolerant ones.

— The Editors

America and Why I Love Her – Update

From what I understand, in Pakistan, heterosexual men, even soldiers in uniform, routinely walk down the street holding hands. You’d never catch something like that going on here except…you know.

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” – Neil Armstrong

Improved: “This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind, and a total disaster for the indigenous inhabitants of the moon.”

The Happy Ending Project: The Sorrows of Young Werther

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s classic epistolary novel, “The Sorrows of Young Werther,” is one of the saddest ever written. Its themes of ill-fated love resonated with generations of post-adolescent men and women discovering the joys and miseries of that first great romance in the years following the novel’s publication in 1774. It is said that “Werther” caused hundreds if not thousands of suicides as sensitive young lovers sought to emulate the title character who, faced with an intolerable situation, takes his own life.

Because the subject matter is so fraught and melancholy, we will admit that the novel presents some difficulties if we are to give it a happy ending. It is not simply a matter of cutting it off at the right time as with “La Boheme.” The plot (and, indeed, the title) must be altered but, in keeping with our basic principles, without undue violence to the fundaments of the story.

Here then, the happy version of “The Sorrows of Young Werther.”

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF YOUNG WERTHER

Werther, a young artist of a highly sensitive and passionate temperament, visits the picturesque village of Wahlheim in search of inspiration. He is enchanted by the simple ways of the peasants there. He meets and falls instantly in love with Lotte, a beautiful young girl who is taking care of her siblings following the death of their mother. Lotte is, however, already engaged to a man named Albert, who is in fact 11 years her senior.

Despite the pain this causes Werther, he spends the next few months cultivating a close friendship with both of them. Seeking a confidente with whom he can share his troubles, he makes the acquaintance of the aristocratic widow Fräulein von B. Moved by Werther’s plight, she visits Albert in his humble cottage and explains the situation to him. Albert, who has grown fond of Werther and instantly recognizes the truth of what Fräulein von B tells him, resolves to release Lotte from her marriage vows so that the lovers can be together.

The widow is, in turn, struck by Albert’s simple decency, which she finds refreshing after the artificialities of Hessian high society. Together, they leave Albert’s cottage to tell Werther and Lotte the good news. The reader is left with the distinct impression that there may be not one, but two, weddings in the very near future.

THE END

It is worth nothing a contemporary of Goethe’s, the German writer Frederich Nicolai, wrote a satiric pastiche entitled, ‘The Joys of Young Werther” a few years after the publication of the original, which ignited a furious literary feud between the two men. In Nicolai’s version, Werther shoots himself but is uninjured because Albert has loaded the pistol with chicken blood. We feel our version is “less German.”

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “A thing of beauty is a joy forever.” – John Keats

Improved: “A thing is a joy forever.”

Wikipedia’s Lives of the Great Porn Stars: Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson

Juliet Anderson (actress)

Birthdate: July 23, 1938 (age 69)
Birth location: Burbank, California, U.S.
Birth name: Judith Carr
Orientation: Bisexual
Ethnicity: Scottish American
Alias(es): Aunt Peg, Judith Anderson, Juliett Anderson, Judy Carr, Judy Fallbrook, Ruby Sapphire

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.” – Walt Whitman

Improved: “When I’ve been drinking, a morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.”

Oscarcast Joke Tally

The annual Academy Awards ceremony is always a good opportunity to gauge the current state of popular culture, whether through what movies are nominated and win, what the presenters and nominees choose to wear, or even by the commercials, which are generally regarded as among Madison Avenue’s most sophisticated.

This year, the host, comedian Jon Stewart, returning for a sophomore appearance, offered a snapshot of the State of Comedy 2008 through his monologue and interstitial remarks. Our editors have analyzed his appearance and prepared this scorecard which can be used as a guide to any amateurs out there hoping to “bring a little Jon Stewart” to their next family gathering or employee kaffee klatsch.

Observations: 7
Puns: 1
Insults: 11
Switcheroos: 0
Shaggy Dogs: 1
Ribald Verse: 0
Deliberately Mangled Delivery: 2
Physical Comedy, Slapstick, etc.: 1
Non Sequiturs, Absurd Humor, etc.: 1

Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical humor for Tuesday, February 26th.

Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, catch a topic by its toe! What’ll it be this week? The collapse of the Clinton campaign? Lowest-rated Oscarcast in world history? Gas prices hit record high?

How about this headline from our local paper: “Panel Formed to Start Initiatives.” There’s a meatball floating over home plate! Everyone’s favorite redhead, Lucille Ball, is taking some practice swings in the on-deck circle. Batter up!

Initiative is no substitute for talent. Lucy says, “I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.” As for starting things, “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done,” she says. Now, come on, Lucy! That’s not very funny. You can do better than that!

The original Carrot Top replies, “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” Okay, fair enough. But how about just one rib tickler to leave us laughing?

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age,” Mrs. Desi Arnaz says. I guess we’ll have to be happy with that. Not exactly a home run; more like a Texas Leaguer that moves a runner into scoring position. Is it any wonder that America loves Lucy?

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.” – T. S. Eliot

Improved: “Masturbation is the ‘hand maiden’ of creativity. Get it?”