Fun with Find and Replace: The Gettysburg Address

President Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, delivered on November 19, 1863 at the dedication of the Soldiers’ National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, is rightly regarded as the greatest single speech ever given by an American president and a profound statement of our nation’s fundamental principles.

Still, reading it today, there is no denying that it seems a little drab, less a stirring call to rededicate ourselves to the cause of liberty and justice for which so many died than a somewhat musty antique with little relevance in the Information Age.

In an effort to polish up the Gettysburg Address to make it more appealing to the cybersaavy youth of today, we have edited the speech below and added some slang expressions that have become popular on the Internet. Of course, if you’re not familiar with these acronyms, the impact of our improvements will be lost upon you but, in that case, you’re probably so old that you like the Gettysburg Address just the way it is.

Four score and seven years ago, WTF?, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. LOL.

IRL, Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. OMG. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. LOL.

BTW, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. IMHO. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. IMHO. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. IMHO. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. IMHO.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. BFF! LOL!

Fun with Find and Replace: The Third Psalm

The third psalm is the first in the modern psalter ascribed to King David (though the consensus among scholars is that authorship of the psalms was shared by many and that the prayers themselves have changed considerably over time.) In it, David appeals for God’s deliverance from the rebellious forces lead by his third son, Absalom.

It is a great cry of despair. But hope also shines through it and, of course, faith. But what if all the instances of the word “God” in various forms were replaced by the phrase “Miz Thang?” As we will see below, the Third Psalm takes on an entirely different meaning.

Miz Thang, how my adversaries have increased!
Many are those who rise up against me.

Many there are who say of my soul,
“There is no help for him from Miz Thang.”

But you, Miz Thang, are a shield around me,
my glory, and the one who lifts up my head.

I cry to Miz Thang with my voice,
and she answers me out of her holy hill.

I laid myself down and slept.
I awakened; for Miz Thang sustains me.

I will not be afraid of tens of thousands of people
who have set themselves against me on every side.

Arise, Miz Thang!
Save me, Miz Thang!
For you have struck all of my enemies on the cheek bone.
You have broken the teeth of the wicked.

Salvation belongs to Miz Thang.
Your blessing be on your people.