New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “One evening, I sat Beauty in my lap. And I found her bitter.” – Arthur Rimbaud

Improved: “One evening, I sat Beauty in my lap. Then, several weeks later, I sat Penicillin in my lap. This was not a coincidence.”

Some Excerpts from Lynne Spears’ Book on Parenting

Lynne Spears’ book about parenting has been delayed indefinitely, her publisher has announced. Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday that the memoir by the mother of Britney Spears was put on hold last week.

She declined to comment on whether the delay was connected to the revelation that Spears’ 16-year-old daughter, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. – Associated Press

Oops, I Parented Again! By Lynne Spears

p. 3 “Kids! Who the hell knows what they’re thinking?! I remember once, growing up, my brother Leroy put the neighbor’s dog in a garbage can with a bunch of fireworks and set it off. The dog practically died and the neighbor would have killed Leroy, if my daddy hadn’t beaten the crap out of him first. Dad kept trying to get Leroy to tell him why he done it but all’s Leroy would say was that he was trying to send the dog on a ‘moon shot.’ That just made daddy even madder.”

p. 41 “I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is not getting mad at your kids when they do stupid stuff. When I feel like I’m about to lose it, I take a deep breath, count to ten, and go and get a pedicure. That’s what works for me. You may have some other way of relaxing, such as watching television. Whatever it is you like to do, find out what it is, and do it quick before you get mad.”

p. 80 “I don’t want to pretend that this is all that original but one important rule of parenting is that kids can be real sneaky sometimes.”

p. 89 “As far as sex goes, you can try telling your kids to use protection but a lot of times kids just like to do the opposite of what their parents tell them in order to be difficult. You’d probably have just as much luck if you told ‘em not to use protection.”

p. 101 “One thing that sends me to the nail salon for a pedicure real fast is when my kids drink. I tell ‘em, ‘You look like a fool all drunk like that!’ but do they care? No, they do not.”

p. 115 “To give you an example of what I mean about kids, one time, growing up, my brother Leroy put the neighbor’s dog in a trash can with a bunch of firecrackers and blew it up. Did I tell this story already? It seems to me I may have.”

p. 130 “The holidays are one of the worst times for families because a lot of times you’ll be fighting with your husband about something, so you’ll be in a real bad mood. That’s usually when one of my daughters asks me if her boyfriend can stay over. No, he most definitely may not!”

p. 164 “A woman wrote me once to say her son was gay and what should she do. Well, I think the first thing you should do is tell him you love him. Wait, how old is he? Because if he’s real young, you might want to make sure he doesn’t do anything weird in public such as wearing a dress. The older ones usually get the picture a little better in terms of not making a scene.”

p. 188 “The Bible can be a real comfort when you’re having a hard time dealing with your kids. That and TV shows about the Bible.”